We Made It, Y’all!

As Frederick Douglas once said, “The arc of exploitive chain restaurants is long, but it bends toward justice (or whatever).” And, damnit, he was right, because Albuquerque is finally — finally! — getting it’s very own Ojos Locos Cantina.

Now I understand how black people felt when Barack Obama got elected.

What is Ojos Locos, you ask? Why, it’s a little slice of Aztlán, carnal, except that it comes with beer and sad women in push-up bras. But hey, don’t take my word for it. Here’s Candice Crawford, Dallas-Ft. Worth’s queen of cloying cultural pandering:

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‘Are You Sick of Highly Paid Teachers?’

By now, surely one of your Facebook friends has passed along this, a lovely little missive about the incalculable value of the men, women and mossy creatures who teach our children.

Teachers’ hefty salaries are driving up taxes, and they only work 9 or 10 months a year! It’s time we put things in perspective and pay them for what they do — babysit! We can get that for less than minimum wage.

Yeah! Oh, wait, no. I see now. The wily author of this chain letter — or whatever we call it now that we live in the future — is employing sarcasm. I didn’t realize this, you see, because I’ve heard so many people argue that all teachers do is babysit. My mistake.

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Goodnight, Sweet Prince of Jowls

A cold wind blew through the hearts of the vigilant last week. Yes, the mighty J-Bingo has decided to leave Washington. Hacks nationwide are beating their brows over who will run for his soon-vacant seat, but I did that a long-ass time ago because I’m a fucking awesome journalist.

But now’s not the time for despair. Instead, let’s take a look back at the lovely career that was. Here’s a highlight reel of “New Mexico’s ‘Mr. Smith’” that I just made up.

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You Know What Sucks About Larry Barker?

Everything. Just everything.

Take, for instance, last night. Like most people, I was happily watching large groups of accused sexual predators smash into one another when, out of nowhere, comes the corpse of Groucho Marx.

He’s trudging through leaves. He’s dressed like a homo-‘stached Columbo. He looks downright inquisitive. Oh, what brilliance do you have in store for us now, you machine of rat-faced hand-wringing?

Turns out, El Chupaverga is investigating El Chupacabra, even though someone at his very station did exactly that, um, three months ago.

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And Now for Something Completely Different

***

Yeah, I know. Sorry.

How Nice To See You All Again

I got sick, and then I got a little poorer, so I neglected our relationship for a little while. For that, I am sorry.

But despair not. Here’s an Alibi column that says a bunch of mean stuff about famous people. Oh, and in case you were having trouble getting by without reading questionably funny things about state politics, big Joe Monahan came through with the hilarity this morning. For instance:

It’s so cold the ABQ Apple store introduced the iParka!

Heeeeyohhhhh! My boy’s like a blotchy Henny Youngman over here.

One more thing: Click through for a sneak peek at a little something I’ve been working on in secret.

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Cartoon Villain Has Had Enough of All This Gay Stuff

Taking a break from chasing those dastardly dalmatians, Rep. Nora Espinoza has yet again introduced a bill to define marriage in New Mexico as “the union of one man and one woman.”

From The Daily Lobo:

If passed by the House and Senate, a proposition would be placed on the ballot that would give voters the option to lock marriage into a legal definition between one man and one woman. Espinoza has introduced the bill each year since 2007.

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Simone de Boo-Ya, Bitches!

Listen, women of New Mexico. There’s no easy way for Gov. Susana Martinez to say this, but, well, it’s over.

It’s not you; it’s her — in that she’s a woman with lots of power and money, and you’re just, you know, women.

The executive budget recommends cutting 100 percent of the New Mexico Commission on the Status of Women’s funding…. The agency has been around for 37 years and would be dismantled June 30 if the executive branch has its way.

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I’ma Go Buy Me Something Nice

Who just crossed the $100 Google AdSense payment threshold?

I DID.

I have so many people to thank. Do you have any idea how much soup $100 buys?!

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Who Needs Public Education Anyhow?

Everybody thought this “Govenor Martinez” business was a big spelling flub. Little do they know, BOLD CHANGE™ includes the systematic removal of unnecessary consonants from English words.

And you know, “Sanata Fe” does have a certain ring to it. Like a pleasant piano concerto at an upscale gay bar.

UPDATE

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